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I started to wonder when does one mature when does someone really mature and change? Do we ever or are we just stumbling thru this life from one area to the next. I think back to when I was younger and I don't feel much different than then. After all alot of it I am still doing
probaly not a smart option of someone in there late 30's but if I feel like doing something I do it. Physically I feel ancient but mentally and other ways well I am very young at heart.
I am more friends with my kids than parent even thou I have discipline I know that is a must. I started off in life having no guidence no direction and in turn left me lost for many unnecessary years. It is unfair of me to do the same with my kids. I have stumbled along the way the process of growth often happens that way.
When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest I really had no idea what I was in for. When I thought of things I knew I would manage because I always have but I was clueless how it could be. I had such visions that things would be different how naive I was. When I was in labor a nurse told me that giving birth would be the easiest part of the next 18 years. She will never know how right she was.
I walked in not really knowing not having any game plan and for many years I kept stumbling. I had no clue how to be a mom because I had never had one I had no example to go after. I knew nothing about waking up for midnight feedings, teething or any of the basics. As I stumbled I learned and grew mentally as well as I guess spiritually Four years later when I had my son I was more prepared still stumbling but doing it less.
I had been a mom probaly a good 5 years before it really seemed real. I started to realize I was not in this race all alone and my decisions affected others also. Now not everyone has as many demons as I and sadly some have even bigger ones to conquer, I had many tripping me along the way. After having my son I got into the swing of things more started settling down changing little things. Acquiring furniture staying at one residency longer periods of time when I was young to stay in a place more than a few months was rare. So here I sat and been at places for over a year.
Started feeling urges to maybe settle down and found myself in a very long term relationship and by then I had my last baby. By this time I was a pro at the basics I was able to do late night feedings, diapers, baths all of it without a blink. All of a sudden what once could of been a major diaster could become manageable. I had been using drugs real hard at the time and even then I knew I had to change and move past this place. I had no clue how I was gonna do it just knew it had to be done.
I did it and managed to overcome some major hurdles along the way. My memories weigh me heavy and yet I feel very young. I am 36 yet when I look in the mirror yes I see changes I wonder where that 15 or even 22 year old went. She is still in there just all the wiser. I am coming close up to 40 in a few years pretty soon my kids will be leaving home and then what do I move onto the next plain?
I will enjoy it very much but my problem is now that I have this part down pat I don't want it to end. I am very fortunate I enjoy spending time with my kids very much. I feel sorry for the people who can not or on the other hand the ones who do not appreciate the great gift they have. I once had a social worker complain I spend to much time with my kids what a laff!!! There are people out there having to work so much they miss out on everything or alot of it. There are people out there dumping there kids off with god knows who while they get high or drunk. We have kids out there that don't have either a mom or dad there or worse both. It seems insane for someone to say I spend to much time with them. I have 18 years if I am lucky I have been given a great gift in many ways.
God has been kind and has always provided a way to help us survive. This does not mean I just sit around and expect it to come in I may not have a job in the sense that I get paid or punch in and out. I am on disablity as my kids are some could see this as a bad thing and can be challenging having 3 people under the same roof with bipolar. It is not for me to question it is what I got and I look at the greatness it could bring. Never have I cursed my son's diaablity yes I often wish he could of lived a normal life(he also has other disabilities).
I could focus on the negative and it would of destroyed me I look at the good parts. Yes I am bored and perhaps I may be working in my 70's to live and support myself but on the good part I was able to be there for it all. In school any extra attention I can give my job I believe I was put on this earth to be their mother. When I was younger it was harder to accept being restricted. I fought to stay working for a minute and have had oportunities to work since but over time I have mellowed out.
I like to work but I more felt compelled to work like I was being less than what I should do. I had worked and have done excellent have advanced and yet nothing has given me the satisfaction of being a mother. Strangely thou I still have no clue when did I become a mom? Was it when I became pregnant? Or perhaps was it when I gave birth? Perhaps it is not something you ever become perhaps it is something deep down inside of all of us. Like a treasure map leaving clues along the way and the treasure is the acceptance of the fact that you are a mother or father and have got the greatest gift anyone could ever give you. Oh well that's what I think!
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