Sexy & Romantic glitter graphics from S e x i l u v . c o m
In a way I really hate the beginning of these things after I get started well I just go but beginning this I am trying to see if there is any point I want to take this. All this is fairly new to me and the reason or direction I want to take I feel like will take me down whatever road I am bound to go on. I feel I have been at a turning point part of that is from the move not being settled. Then we have D,,, and he is going back to prison that is just a fact whether now or a year it will happen.
Lately thou I have felt an internal discontent I guess I would call it I have lots on hold lot of items I have been working on for awhile and about to come together. I realize thou sometimes we are given some gifts that may seem pretty foul at the time but can be for the best. I have known since I have been very young that something in my mind worked differently than most but that fact I fought for along time. It was finally in 2001 or 2002 that I finally sought help. At that time I did it mostly for the kids for myself I knew I was close to crossing a no return and had to do something.
I walked in there and I knew there would be things I would have to face and was prepared for that yet I expected and what really started was unknown. Some could think that certain things pushed me beyond the drugs and the life I was leading but it all wrapped together. All my life I have been running and running My parents the such good people of ours were such negative people you were punished for showing love or joy. Life was a high stress maintainence.
I was always trying so hard to just make it and in the mean time I slowly eviolved my life and how I self medicated. I have tried the more quiet life style drove me nuts I craved the conflict even thou I resented it so much. I was always one step trying to catch up to catch up or escape when things felt to comfortable. It was when alot of the stress I was feeling got removed only then could I really start to look inward.
It was remarkable and it is something that can not be quite explained I have never felt this at peace with just life stuff still gets me alittle stressed but I dont take that long to bounce back. I just keep trying to go and it is the first time I have had the time patiece and money to be able to focus on finding me. I had the chance when I was locked up but that really was not an option at least not for me .
I remember when I was 15 I had just got locked up in treatment for the first time and it makes me laff today but it is pretty sad when you think of it. They were trying to break me down they wanted to know what I was feeling and for the life of me I could not of listed but really two I would use happy or pissed. I would go blank and could not think of one for my life and honestly at the time I probaly could of done the basics. When I left home I had the general basics barely any education and what of that was a joke so I was always behind acdemically in that area. So I was already trying to find ways of creeping around the corners to just make up for what I was lacking. When I could not swing it I would cheat I am not proud of it is was I was nervous of tests could not answer shit. Ask me the questions any other time I could It came from always being told I was a failure again from loving family.
So I was behind with my education then with employment because I was lacking the education and the emotional barriors I have up to keep people out my point being I spent so much time battling these other demons I never had the time to really see what I was about what I wanted almost half of my life is gone I am okay with that and I may never be no famous person and again I can handle that. I do not need some great prestige job or any materialistic attitude.
After starting medication things started clearing. This haze slowly became real thin but yet it kept growing thinnner and thinner exactly when it went away or maybe it is just there still so thin we can not tell. My point being somewhere along the way I started changing inside.
I got thrown some curve balls and it harden my cause just made me more determined. It was like so much of my life circumstances whatever that have happened over 20 years ago and they are still controlling my life. So long ago when I stood up to that man and said enough is enough I thought that was it. Basically for them it was they ignored me till they kicked me out shortly after but I had had it I was so tired of being a punching bag for no reason than they were my parents.
I had a socail worker back then that I had finally told what was happening and this was before all this insanity today has brought here was a case that was so true and he sat there telling my father he had the right to discipline me any way he seen fit I sat there dazed completly blown away and I just said as a matter of fact then I have the right to defend myself as I need to. That may make me sound bad I dont care these people I find it hard to call them mother and father. They were no parents to us they beat us with boards in the backs threw us around treated us bad as the animals. This was no normal discipline and that social worker knew it and yet said that
I had got to the point I was so tired of the bull shitand eventually soon after I diod get to leave and naively I thought that was the end. But then events happened to keep overlapping on life along the way you get totally wrapped up keep doing the same insane existence and you really fail to see how much time has past. Last time I really checked on the time table thing was 10 years ago yet it is now that I am finding myself my peace. Recently I have started a book a private one that is my goal I dont care if anyone shoudl read it it is just focused on telling me I have nevver been real open about me and it is something that I have worked on but some things run deep.
Originally I started because I wanted themmy kids to know the whole story and I still might I might end up adjusting and just making one personal one for me to pass along Even thou I started with intentions with the knowledge to the kids but when I started to try to put this together it became complacated. I have reasons I am not open about my past when I was a kid. I was always raised if you cant say anything nice dont say anything and there is nothing to say nice about them.
But more than that if I plan on eventually passing along the book I would need to really look deep and reveal the whole truths and I had hard time writing things at times for I felt their eyes on it and I saw I could not write woth that perception I needed I need to find the inner me. I do not know where life will take me but I know I am along the right path. Just have to wait at the doorway and wait forthe others So I tink that I might use this as my base for forming it together and go from there so for now well lets say it is 420 time to go
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