FEEDINGTHEDESIRE

All of my life I have not had a typical family and for the most part I did not care. Alot of people would ask me if I missed not having a family, esp around the holidays. My answer always seemed so obviuos how to miss something you never had. That was the deal I was born into and have never known no different. Even as a child it was always my sister who was only 4 years older than I but it was her the closest thing to a mother. I will always love my sister for what she did for being only 4 years old and trying to help trying to take care of a new born baby. I will always have much respect for her core.

That does not change the fact that a 4 year old is not any reasonable mother figure. She should not had to do it. The only mom and I use that word loosely not that I can say that name out loud. The mom that I knew since birth was some self centered bitter old drunk. I have in the past tried to remember a time that woman ever extended me love. I don't know what demons posess that woman as they do I really don't have no idea really about either of them. They gave me life I even lived with them for almost 16 years well technically and I don't know shit about them.

I don't know what made them hate me from birth and that is no statement to exact pity it is the truth don't hurt me none. It never really has they always had me in therapy to deal with this or that most problems that most would have and honestly it never really bothered me maybe a little when I was younger and the other relatives were around. Those were hard times thou god I use to dread the family visits. I would feel so awkward and everything I did not have seemed so clear more apperent

It is hard to explain it was not that I even wanted this but you start to question why don't I get what every one else or most people are just given. So that is how it went I did not care what I did not have because that was just how it was. My older sister and me seperated beause of life she was already on her own being four yrsolder than I. My younger sister there was never no real bond there. Our parents always made sure there was conflict there she was the greatest thing since apple pie I never once remember her ever getting in trouble

I never remember her being beat and mistreated she always got the best and part of me was happy she did not have to go thru what we did but she never had the opportunity to see the truth. She was so young and weak minded that ain't on her and for that fact alone I have been luckier in my path than her. She is their puppet she hides in an insane world and will never see anything beyond their small bubble. They have never allowed her to grow get in trouble I mean she is 30 and has never ever got in trouble that I know of she does everything bu the book.

To her she was taught that me and my other sister we were the enemy we were worshipping the devil thru our music and in turn were going to hell. All the problems in the family were not them oh no it was us we were the evil and if it were not for us the world would be a great place. You know it just dawned on me maybe they could not stand us because they seen that we would not accept their dominantly unhealthy way of thinking.

If I was my younger sister I would be dead inside she can think whatever she wants about me and I know that it don't matter. I have known since I was a teen that she and I would never have a friendship I see the fear in her about me and that is sad because I am one of the nicest people you can no I am not being conceited it is just true I will usually be the first to help someone out. Yet she has been so brainwashed that she will not ever be able to see the truth of what we are.

Today I was told she had a baby boy a couple months back like I said she has been lost to me I never had to miss. Never regretted except those few times where you look around and wonder why don't I have what everyone else has
FEEDINGTHEDESIRE